My wife pointed me to this interesting email forward. Kudos to whoever wrote it.
1) Project Manager is a person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in one month.
2) Developer is a person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a baby.
3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.
4) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.
5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.
6) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; They'll produce a child with zero resources.
7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.
8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the process to produce a baby. And lastly…
9) Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the right baby. Bullshit Gotchas Project Management
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My recent attempts to get back a tax refund lead me to the tax dept's website which had a prominent marquee running that said "New Income Tax blog". Here's the landing page of the blog. Yes. That's correct. You need a goddamn login id and a password to read the "blog" and there seems to be no way of knowing how to get login credentials. If someone can help me get into this blog I would love to know what the babus in the tax dept are thinking. Will be a good case study on how not to use blogging as a medium.
Bullshit Consumer Internet Gotchas Indian Business
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I sometimes receive LinkedIn networking requests from like minded professionals which I welcome and reciprocate. But this one was different. I can't imagine people going to the extent of impersonating a corporate honcho in an attempt to get connections. I received the following regular email (not linkedIn request). Read on to discover contact baiting.
Hello,
I am an advanced networker on LinkedIn, and was hoping that you could send me an invitation to my linkedin account to join your network. My name is <Insert a Fortune 10 VP's name>, and my linkedin e-mail address is xxxx@public-email.com. I have a few thousand connections on LinkedIn - and I endeavour to add more qualified individuals to my network in order to expand everyone's access to other professionals and individuals who benefit from the social networking offered through sites like Linked In. Please see my personal networking contract below.
My profile on LinkedIn is located here: Insert a genuine link to the Fortune 10 VP's profile.
NAME’S PERSONAL NETWORKING CONTRACT
What does it mean to be a connection? I established my Personal Networking Contract to share my thoughts and expectations. It's my pledge of support for my network.
I would be honored to be a part of your personal network. That carries a responsibility that I take seriously. I pledge to help, support, and inform you so that we both may grow and succeed in our personal and business endeavors. The following outlines some specific aspects of my commitment.
I trust you feel similarly in return as a part of my network.
CURRENT. I will provide current information on my email address(es), other forms of contact as appropriate, and my availability either directly or through our mutual online network. I will make sure that my primary email address is current.
TIMELY. I will endeavor to process your online network requests on a timely basis. Sometimes this will be same day. Generally this will be 3 days or less. However in case of vacation, travel, or personal or business emergency, the delay may be up to 1-2 weeks.
CONTACTS. I will use the online network where we are connected for requests or contacts over that network. I will not ask you for email addresses of individuals unless you and I have a close relationship and there is an emergency.
UPDATES. Staying in touch with your contacts (or "pinging") is a fundamental part of networking. I will send you updates generally no more than once every six months. These updates may be of a personal, professional, or business nature. I invite you to similarly update me. If I contact you more frequently than an average of once a month, I will provide and use a separate opt-in process for such communications.
USE EMAIL. I will not use default forms for updates as they do not respect you and your time. They provide virtually no information and force you to start up your browser and then search for what is new on my profile. Instead I will provide the new information for the updates in the update email subject and body itself.
Thank you,
XXXX
Bullshit Gotchas Life
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A former colleague of mine recently spoke to me asking for tips on how to bargain for a promotion to tech lead during his upcoming appraisal. He had put in good time as a developer but growth was simply not happening. Instead of boring him with real time gyan, I pointed him to this blog.
It is no great shakes getting a promotion to team lead with all the broad based growth that the industry is witnessing. Don't agree ? Read on to find out how…
Become a good developer: Before a person can move up she needs to be at least in the top 25 percentile performance wise in her current job. This is true even if the skills needed to succeed in the higher role has nothing to do with the current skill set. So brush dust your skills, gain new ones that are relevant, fill up gaps, work harder…do whatever it takes to be a recognized as a decent developer. Once you have done this half the job is done.
Show leadership even as a developer: You need to show leadership even *before* you are made a leader. The peer engineers in your group need to start accepting you as 'leader' even without you being formally appointed as one. To enable this, the first point above is critical. On the softer side, be friendly, approachable and lead by example since you do not yet have the authority. If you are getting butterflies in the stomach when you think of leading, try using informal and relaxed settings like team outings to exercise leadership. Ultimately, the softer aspects of leadership are transferable from one context to another. So go ahead and play the role without Mr.Big Boss asking you to do so. Just ensure you are not stepping on your current tech lead's shoes.
Up skill consciously: Go to your HR portal and read up the job description of tech lead. Skill wise you will need to have at least some of the skill sets that are one level above your current level of responsibility. Eg. If the person is a software engineer she would need to know the basics of estimation, design and basic architecture (team lead responsibilities).
Gain Visibility: Gain visibility two levels higher that your current level. Eg. If you are an engineer desiring to be a lead, make sure that your lead's boss understands your contribution. In case you face political hurdles, this will help your case. You can use the following techniques:
-Formal skip level meetings (if your org allows that). If not request an audience.
-Suggest process improvements that go beyond your project.
-Conduct a cross project technical training session.
-Speak up during team meetings and other organizational events. Ask a pertinent question, raise a common concern. Put your hand up!
-Study new trends and publish an internal "knowledge management" article on it.
-Step back and see the big picture. Once your project is over, put together a small five page document on the learnings and share it with the folks around you.
Understand the big picture: Technical leadership is about being able to see the big picture in the project lifecycle, besides things like coding and testing. So go to your company's process repository, pull out the CMM documents that talk about quality aspects and learn and apply these on your job.
Make your tech lead look good: A good strategy would be to complement your tech lead in an area where he is relatively less confident while letting him lead the team otherwise. Say your lead is not all that great in Javascript coding, develop a strength here and use that to complement him. This will ensure that you a). Make him look good b). Let him realize the value you are bringing to the table. Just ensure you do not let him feel outclassed.
Do your impression management: Impression management might sound dirty, but it is not. Ultimately, perception is reality. I do not mean stupid things like taking a note book to the men's room, but things like dressing more professionally than your peers. Developers can afford to wear jeans on Monday morning, but you will rarely find a delivery manager who does it. So ensure a). You dress like a tech lead. b). Come to office earlier than your leads/managers. c). Leave office later than your leads/managers. d).Keep the small talk strategic: Speak about the latest trends, world issues rather then regular chit chat.
Bullshit Career Life
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Here are my top ten lies that managers tell employees in the software industry and what it really means.
I like subordinates who challenge me.
I like subordinates who give me plenty of outside ideas that my bird brain that cannot think up and that will make me look good in front of my boss. Basically, make sure your strengths appear as my strengths.
Make mistakes,they are learning opportunities.
Yeeeah! Otherwise, when crap hits the ceiling how can I pass on the buck and possibly fire you ?
Your promotion case is with senior management.
Your promotion chances are screwed. Hope you realize that and stop bothering me.
Your salary is already at the high end of your peer group group which indicates that we value you so much.
Duh! Forget about raises.
In the performance appraisal: You need to do a)… b)… and c)…. to get a promotion.
You will never get the opportunities to do a)… b)… and c)…. Realize that and shut the crap up.
If you don't deliver by this date both I and you will loose our jobs
I am trying to scare you. Please get scared.
You need to look at your salary from a long term perspective. One bad hike does not mean much in the long run. We will balance it out in the next cycle.
I hope you are not good at elementary math bozo!
I want each person to realize the value of work life balance.
Riiiiiiiiiight. I will balance the life part while you balance the work.
The company profitability has not been as good as expected, hence the lower hikes this time.
If you don't get lower hikes, how I can upgrade to the new Merc ?
We are a big company now and have responsibilities. If we give a generous hike it will impact the profitability of the whole industry.
Unless we keep your hikes low, how can add enough to the bottomline so that my ridiculous stock options can be generously bankrolled ?
The list above is imagined, but well, this is on the lighter side of management!
Bullshit Career Gotchas Life
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